Top five Mitch Hegberg

• I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

• I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

• I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

• I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

• I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

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